This, too, shall pass....not?

So, I am a strong believer of "This, too, shall pass".  In my interactions with family or friends over the years, at times when things seem too rough for them, I could always say it with confidence.  We are all on a journey in this life and we are faced with challenges from which we learn, as we try to overcome them.  I am used to being challenged, welcome challenges and even wonder what's going on if days are passing by in which I don't feel challeged.  Challenges are to life as waves are to sea.  It is for us to grow and to want to always be progressing, I gues, should be the mode we operate always.   When a challenge comes to me, I ask myself, "What am I to learn here?" or "What does God intend for me to learn here?"  Of course, all I can come up with is just a guess and the lesson may be learnt with a degree of intensity commensurate to my capacity.  Similar situations may arise again and again if I have not quite gotten the point.  And even if I did, I might be tested to another degree later on.

These few months have definitely been challenging, in more ways than one.  My health has been deteriorating and I have it in my mind that I have control over only a small part of it.  Knowing what is good for me and putting it into practice isn't always so straightforward. On some days, I can manage the pains and on others, I can't.  It has been affecting the way I carry out my role, and that is now suffering, too.  It takes much more effort to do the same things I used to do with ease and effeciency.  And in the struggle to keep up with that, I have not been able to keep up a relationship with most anyone, especially those with whom I feel the need to try so hard to be the best I can be with them.  Luckily, through it all, I have found those who accept me for who I am, the best and worst of me, and I have been able to survive.

But what have I learnt through all this?  The questions that have been on my mind most are: Am I being pretentious? Am I for real when I am with those who I have to make so much effort to be the best I can?  Does it mean I should not care and just be who I want to be?  Do I have a right to decide that I don't want to be there for those who also need a friend, though the friendship is pulling me down?  Is it really pulling me down, or is that just how I feel and I should really assess the attitudes with which I am going about my daily life?  How do I get out of this rut?  How can one just accept that one will have to continue to live with pain and be ok with that?  What attitudes should I be strengthening in myself to be able to accept that I will not be the best of me from now on? How do I keep having faith and hope that it will all be ok in the end?

The concept of submission to the Will of God has been on my mind a lot lately.  I understand that God gives me the strength I need to go on and maybe part of all I am feeling now is that I am not relying on His assistance enough.  To accept that I am weak and that He is powerful and the condition I am to live with is going to be the constant reminder of that.  Maybe it is His way of ensuring that I will always turn to Him, remember Him and seek His mercy.  But I feel weak at times, and would really rather take the easy way out.  There have been more appointments that I have cancelled in these months than I have in years.  There have been excuses I have been making for my mistakes, accepting that I am only human, and therefore, am entitled to make such mistakes.  There have been days I just don't want to get out of bed, don't want to be with anyone and don't want to have to help them with their problems.  And there have been days when I want to just end it all.  Does one really have to come to that to recognize the depth of the pit one is in?

Well, someday, I hope to again be able to say to others with confidence, "This, too, shall pass" but for now, I need to hear it and learn to believe it again, too.

Purpose

There is a vase
It has a purpose.
There are flowers in the vase.
It has its purpose, too.

The Master is attracted to the flowers
And showers His attention upon them.
The vase stands quiet and unimposing
As the flowers are the subject of love.

The vase, steady and pure
Brings out the best in the flowers
For without the flowers it holds
The vase is for naught.

On days like today

Today is one of those days that I wake up with a pain I wouldn't wish for anyone. It runs along my spine and makes me wish I didn't need to breathe or have to rely on a backbone to get up and do the things I need to do throughout the day. Some days, when time permits it, I force myself to go back to sleep with hopes that I may start the day a little differently. Sometimes, it works.

It's been 10 months since the pains have started coming again, which I haven't been able to find the kind of treatment needed to manage it. With each kind of treatment, I lose a little hope when the pain returns after the treatment's effectiveness runs out. For some kinds of treatment, it only takes 2 or 3 days to find out if it was effective. If I'm lucky, like in January, it lasted me 2 months. I'm back at that treatment for now. I'm on the 2nd out of 5 sessions with an osteopath. Yet, on a day like today, I wonder if it'll do me any good.

I also don't know if it's because of the way I sit or sleep, or just the bed I sleep in. I wonder, too, if it's the food I eat or don't eat. When I wasn't doing exercise, I thought it's because of that, and when I started doing exercises, I wonder if it's because of that, too. I'm not sure if I care anymore and so you'll find me doing as I like sometimes.

I'm telling you this because I think/know you care for me. I'm not demanding you to do anything about it. I'm just hoping for a little understanding. I am trying to live the days I have the best I can but there are just those days, like today, when it is a painful struggle to even get out of bed.

A place inside me

Some people wonder why I don't include them in my life.  Some people think I do it deliberately.  Why do people assume the worst of another?  Why don't someone occasionally ask what may I do to be a better friend to others?

What if I know deep down in my heart that all I know is how to hurt others? What if I believe that I am keeping you safe from the warped world I live in my head?  A place where I no longer find strength or comfort in, therefore how am I to want to share that with you? Aren't I being a kind friend by keeping you at arm's length?  And however well I have been able to disguise it, let me just get it straight with you that it is a lonely place and I'm not enjoying it at all.